In response to the SNCApocalypse, a new administrator, Faggot, will serve alongside the owner SNCA Enthusiast/Gold. He has actual knowledge on the inner workings of a site like this, so contact him instead of Gold for technical issues.
Soyjak.blog/Copypastas: Difference between revisions
No edit summary |
|||
| (One intermediate revision by one other user not shown) | |||
| Line 100: | Line 100: | ||
I feel so gross and ashamed of myself rn | I feel so gross and ashamed of myself rn | ||
It doesn't fully close anymore... | It doesn't fully close anymore...<ref>https://archive.ph/XSJh5</ref> | ||
</div> | </div> | ||
</div> | </div> | ||
| Line 188: | Line 188: | ||
What does the burger say? | What does the burger say? | ||
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nommy-nom! | Nom-nom-nom-nom-nommy-nom!<ref>https://archive.ph/jvEVo</ref> | ||
</div> | </div> | ||
</div> | </div> | ||
| Line 197: | Line 197: | ||
<big>I drank a monster and now I cant stop shitting AMA</big> | <big>I drank a monster and now I cant stop shitting AMA</big> | ||
I just had a big shit from monster and now I need to shit again | I just had a big shit from monster and now I need to shit again<ref>https://archive.ph/zxBzr</ref> | ||
</div> | </div> | ||
</div> | </div> | ||
| Line 232: | Line 232: | ||
<domestic abuse space | <domestic abuse space | ||
For a moment, Jimbo allowed himself to believe it. The warmth of Terry’s touch, the tenderness in her voice... it felt real. Maybe things would get better. Maybe Terry could get better. But deep down, Jimbo knew the truth. He had heard these words before, and though he wanted so badly to believe them, part of him feared that the cycle would start all over again. | For a moment, Jimbo allowed himself to believe it. The warmth of Terry’s touch, the tenderness in her voice... it felt real. Maybe things would get better. Maybe Terry could get better. But deep down, Jimbo knew the truth. He had heard these words before, and though he wanted so badly to believe them, part of him feared that the cycle would start all over again. | ||
</div> | |||
</div> | |||
===Schlog culture=== | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed"> | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"> | |||
>Make thread: | |||
<big><women foids trans male SISA foid vagina pooner terrycrews Hitler BBC breast milk terrycrew’s breasts nigger what if your BBC pussy sex sex sex</big> | |||
>I expect 20 pages of replies by the end of the night | |||
</div> | |||
</div> | |||
===Nostalgia Critic Reviews Ongezellig=== | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed"> | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"> | |||
[Intro Scene: The usual Nostalgia Critic theme music plays as the camera zooms in on the Critic sitting at his desk. He dramatically flips open a folder with the Ongezellig logo on it.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
[Smiling widely] "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!" | |||
[He raises an eyebrow as his smile fades into confusion.] | |||
"And today… oh boy. Today, we’re diving into something that might just haunt my nightmares for years to come. You’ve been asking for it… Ongezellig. This is a web cartoon created by Studio Massa, and I gotta say, it’s not what I expected. Is it funny? Is it weird? Is it… the scariest thing to ever grace the internet? Let’s find out." | |||
[Text on screen: "Ongezellig – 2020, Created by Studio Massa"] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
[Grinning] "Now, let me explain what Ongezellig is. This Dutch animated web series is like someone took all the awkwardness of social interactions, the discomfort of small talk, and the existential dread of being alive and put it into a colorful, unsettling cartoon. If that doesn’t sound like fun, well… you’re probably not alone in that thought." | |||
[Cut to a clip from Ongezellig showing the surreal art style and weird characters. It’s awkward, off-kilter animation, with pastel colors and bizarre, round-faced characters.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
[Looking at the screen, slightly bewildered] "I mean, look at this! The animation is like if Adult Swim and Peppa Pig had a terrifying love child! The art style is so... odd. Everything's soft and friendly on the surface, but then the characters are moving in a way that’s just... wrong. It's like watching a social experiment gone terribly wrong – except the experiment is 'let’s make the most uncomfortable cartoon ever.'" | |||
[Cut to a scene from the cartoon where two characters are trying to have a conversation, but there’s an uncomfortable silence, and one of them suddenly starts sweating and looking nervous.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic (mocking): | |||
"Ah, yes! The classic awkward silence. I love how the entire premise of this cartoon is just about how nothing happens but everything is just wrong. You can feel the tension in every interaction. These characters are so uncomfortable with each other, you almost want to reach through the screen and say, 'Hey, buddy, it’s okay. Just say something normal!' But no, that’s not the point here." | |||
[A clip shows another character nodding excessively, overdoing it with politeness, which just makes the interaction feel even more uncomfortable.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic (mocking the character): | |||
"Look at this guy! He’s nodding like he’s having some kind of stroke while pretending to be interested in the conversation! What is this? Why is everything so passive-aggressive? Who made this and decided this was what we needed to watch? 'Oh, I know, let’s make something that feels like an awkward dinner party that never ends!'" | |||
[The Critic pauses the video, looking directly at the camera, shaking his head.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"Look, I get it. It’s called Ongezellig, which means unpleasant or uncomfortable in Dutch. So, mission accomplished. The problem is, it doesn’t feel like a fun discomfort, it just feels like being trapped in an emotional blender. The entire tone of this show makes you feel like you're the last person at a party, trying to escape but too polite to leave." | |||
[Cut to another clip where a character says something bizarre, causing the entire scene to become more strange and surreal.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic (nodding grimly): | |||
"See, Ongezellig doesn’t just sit in awkward silence – no, no – it takes you deeper into the void. It makes you question the very fabric of social interaction. That’s not entertainment, that’s psychological torture with cartoons. Look at this weird, hyper-detailed scene where the character's entire existence seems to glitch out! Are they having an existential crisis? Is this a fever dream?" | |||
[The Critic laughs nervously, rubbing his forehead.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"You ever watch something that feels like you’re slowly losing your grip on reality? Ongezellig is that. A surreal, uncomfortable nightmare where the humor is like ‘Hey, let's make the most awkward thing possible and that’s funny!’ You know, like those people who laugh awkwardly at a party because they don’t know how to talk? Imagine if that lasted for 12 minutes. That's this whole show!" | |||
[Cut to the Critic doing his best impression of a character from the show, mimicking their awkward behavior.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic (mimicking an awkward laugh): | |||
"Ahahahaha... So, um, what’s going on? Are we having a good time? Ahhh... okay! Yeah, totally… um, nice weather, huh?" | |||
[He stops the impression and turns back to the camera, looking shaken.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"Okay, okay. But I gotta give it credit where credit is due. As unsettling as it is, Ongezellig does something unique. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s like if Curb Your Enthusiasm took place in a dystopian universe where everything is broken, and instead of Larry David, you’ve got a bunch of pastel-colored characters trying desperately to make small talk." | |||
[A clip from the show plays where a character says something almost normal, and then there’s an odd, sinister shift in the music and atmosphere.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic (smiling grimly): | |||
"See that? That’s what I’m talking about. Just when you think everything’s going to be okay, BOOM, the music changes, and suddenly, you’re trapped in a social nightmare! You can’t leave, you can’t escape, and all you’re doing is sitting there wondering if you’ve done something wrong… if it’s you!" | |||
[The Critic stares into the camera, utterly exhausted.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"So yeah, if you like cartoons that make you question your social interactions, Ongezellig is for you. But if you're like me and just want something that’s fun, easy to digest, and doesn’t make you feel like you’re losing your mind, maybe just stick to watching SpongeBob or something. This thing is like eating a whole meal made out of social anxiety and awkwardness, and it really leaves a bad taste in your mouth." | |||
[He sighs deeply and takes a long drink from a coffee mug.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"Is it bad? No. It’s just… really uncomfortable. There’s something to be said for that, but it’s not what I’m looking for when I sit down to watch a cartoon. If you want a movie or show that’ll make you laugh and feel good, Ongezellig is the opposite of that. But if you want a strange, off-putting experience that makes you feel something… well, here you go." | |||
[The Critic turns to the camera, deadpan.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"In conclusion, Ongezellig is… well, it’s a trip. A really awkward, uncomfortable trip. If you're into that kind of thing, check it out. If not, please… just stick to something that won’t make you feel like you're trapped in social hell. Thank you, Studio Massa. I’m… not sure whether to thank you or run away screaming, but I guess that’s a success?" | |||
[The camera zooms out as the Critic slouches back in his chair, looking tired.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic: | |||
"Well, at least it's not another edgy 90s cartoon. Next time, something that doesn't make me question my entire existence. Please." | |||
[Cut to the end credits, with an image of the Critic sitting in a chair, looking confused and drained, as the usual theme music plays.] | |||
Nostalgia Critic (voiceover): | |||
"Thanks for watching, and remember, if it's weird, awkward, or downright uncomfortable... I’ll probably review it." | |||
[End.]<ref>https://archive.ph/HLPMB</ref> | |||
</div> | |||
</div> | |||
===AVGN plays Oneshot=== | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed"> | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"> | |||
Angry Video Game Nerd Plays OneShot: A Heart-Wrenching Disaster! | |||
[Intro Scene: The familiar AVGN theme music plays with fast-paced, chaotic clips of the Nerd yelling at terrible games, throwing controllers, and generally having a meltdown. The intro ends with the Nerd sitting in his chair, cracking his knuckles.] | |||
Nerd: | |||
[Angrily] "Oh great! Another indie game! 'OneShot,' huh? I know what you're thinking... 'Nerd, it's a great game! It's different, it's heartwarming, it breaks the fourth wall!' Yeah, yeah, enough with the praise! Let me see if I can survive this emotional wreckage that you all call a 'game.'" | |||
[He puts on his headphones, opens the game on his computer, and starts playing. The game’s calming music plays.] | |||
Nerd (gritting his teeth): | |||
"Alright, let's see what we got here. A cute little pixelated world. This isn't so bad... Wait a minute, why is the main character a kid with huge eyes?! This looks like something you'd show to a five-year-old to make them cry! What's with all the 'cute' animals and talking inanimate objects?! It's like a sickeningly sweet nightmare." | |||
[The game opens with the protagonist, Niko, waking up in a dark room with a mysterious light. The Nerd looks at the screen, squinting.] | |||
Nerd: | |||
"Alright, so we’re a little child who wakes up in some strange world. Sounds like every bad 'coming-of-age' story on the planet. What's next, do I have to solve puzzles using my ‘big brain’ just to understand why I'm here?" | |||
[He navigates Niko through a series of puzzles, but grows visibly annoyed as he encounters obstacles.] | |||
Nerd (frustrated): | |||
"WHAT THE HELL? I can't even figure out this goddamn puzzle! What is this?! I have to move this box like it’s some kind of ancient artifact?! Why can’t I just smash everything with a hammer?!" | |||
[The Nerd throws the game controller down in anger. He picks it back up and continues playing.] | |||
Nerd: | |||
"Okay, okay. It’s not that bad. I'm just… goddamn mad. Let's continue. What’s this? Oh, you mean the game is talking directly to ME now? You know what? Screw it. I'm talking to this kid. This is MY world now!" | |||
[The game’s text box appears, and Niko says something like, "Do you know what to do next?" The Nerd scoffs.] | |||
Nerd (mocking): | |||
"Oh yeah, great, now I’ve got this little pixelated psycho talking to ME! 'Do you know what to do next?' Oh, I dunno, maybe not get stuck in a room full of puzzles and existential dread? Maybe not stare at this face and question my very existence?!" | |||
[The game takes an emotional turn as Niko realizes the fate of the world is tied to the player's actions. The Nerd glares at the screen.] | |||
Nerd (dramatic): | |||
"WHAT IS THIS?! THE WORLD’S GONNA END IF I MESS UP? I thought this was just some kid’s platformer, but now I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders?! I didn’t sign up for this! This isn’t some stupid fantasy world where I can kill goblins. THIS IS A DAMN PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA!!" | |||
[The screen starts glitching as the game’s fourth wall breaks. Niko looks directly at the player.] | |||
Nerd (eyes widening): | |||
"What the hell?! No! NO! The game is LOOKING AT ME! WHAT IS THIS?! This is like if The Matrix and The Truman Show had a baby, and it decided to torture me with emotions! What is this – I’m not prepared for a tear-jerking lesson about life!" | |||
[The game gives Niko the power to control the game’s world, like adjusting the brightness. The Nerd is at his limit.] | |||
Nerd (yelling): | |||
"STOP! I DON’T WANNA FIX THE LIGHTING! I just wanna KILL THINGS! Give me a goddamn sword and let me hack up monsters, not talk about ‘feeling’ the light! What the hell is this?!" | |||
[The game makes Niko say goodbye to the player, hinting at the game’s sad conclusion. The Nerd’s frustration builds as Niko’s fate becomes clear.] | |||
Nerd (squinting at the screen, voice breaking): | |||
"WAIT… WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOODBYE? NO! I don’t want to say goodbye to some stupid pixelated kid! This is the worst heartbreak I've ever had in a damn video game. WHO DOES THIS?! This is emotional manipulation at its finest!" | |||
[He starts fidgeting with his controller nervously, clearly disturbed.] | |||
Nerd: | |||
"You know, I’m not a fan of being emotionally blackmailed by a game. But here I am, thinking about my own mortality, feeling guilty for 'Niko.' And for what? To learn life lessons from a 2D character? This is insane." | |||
[The game ends with the dramatic conclusion and the screen fades out to black. The Nerd sighs loudly.] | |||
Nerd (exhausted): | |||
"Well, that’s it. I’m done. You know what? I’ve been through a lot of shitty games in my time, but this? This is a whole new level of mind games. It’s like a twisted therapy session! I feel like I’ve been through a personal hell and somehow I can’t get over it. You ruined me, OneShot. YOU RUINED ME!" | |||
[The Nerd slams the controller on the desk, then looks into the camera with a deadpan expression.] | |||
Nerd: | |||
"Well, at least the graphics were nice. Too bad it felt like being punched in the heart with a broken joystick." | |||
[Cut to credits with some of the Nerd’s trademark jokes, fast cuts of him yelling at the screen, throwing objects, and muttering to himself about the emotional damage.] | |||
Nerd (voiceover): | |||
"OneShot. More like 'One-Heartbreak.' I don't care if it's 'innovative,' 'meaningful,' or 'art.' If I wanted to cry, I’d watch a sappy rom-com, not play a game. I’m outta here. NEXT!" | |||
[The final shot shows the Nerd staring into space with an exhausted look, as the video cuts to black.]<ref>https://archive.ph/0lJfg</ref> | |||
</div> | |||
</div> | |||
===FNF will save Ongezellig=== | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible mw-collapsed"> | |||
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"> | |||
>Ongezellig. Dead. Massa found no one to buy the series to continue. But there is a solution. FNF. Phantom Arcayde draw maya once on stream, we just need to keep psyopping him until he adds the ongezellig to fnf. Imagine that, it will instantly become popular af with zoomers, Zellig will be revived and studios is gonna beg Massa to host the full series. Inb4 >DNB | |||
Fnf is only dnb now cus no release. When the full game launches its gonna become the most popular again and we have the chance to bring zellig up the heights with it | |||
FNFpedo.png<ref>https://archive.ph/mZyqa</ref> | |||
</div> | |||
</div> | |||
==Quotes== | ==Quotes== | ||
| Line 243: | Line 497: | ||
{{Quoting|I stuck a finger up my anus, AMA<br> | {{Quoting|I stuck a finger up my anus, AMA<br> | ||
I didn't feel any pleasure. How tf do faggots even like this? | I didn't feel any pleasure. How tf do faggots even like this? | ||
|-encrusting_acro}} | |-encrusting_acro<ref>https://archive.ph/YlHDa</ref>}} | ||
{{Reflist}} | |||
[[Category:Schlog]] | |||
Latest revision as of 10:30, 2 August 2025
This page is a work in progress. You WILL NOT edit parts of this page until they are properly finished.
This page is a compilation of some copypastas and infamous quotes that have turned into inside jokes with the community.
Copypastas
[edit | edit source]Virginity loss story
[edit | edit source]Anyone up for a virginity loss story thread?
>be me
>autistic girl
>never had an irl friend
>this time I started college
>talk to guy on the college's discord server
>he asks me why I dmed him
>"oh to be fwbs haha"
>"so you wanna fuck?"
>"sure"
>ffwd today
>he says he's on my campus
>find him
>"nice to meat you!"
>"wanna go in the bathroom?"
>"sure"
>tell him to unzip
>wowthatsadick.jpeg
>start off with an awkward handjob
>he's on his phone texting me
>he didn't want to be loud
>"can you suck it?"
>"uhh maybe later"
>my hands start getting tired
>fuck it
>give him the succ
>dick tastes weird at first
>gag a bit
>he seems to enjoy it
>continue
>he facefucks me gently
>starting to enjoy it more
>he texts me he's about to cum
>he fills my mouth with cum
>tastes... interesting
>swallow
>realize i lost my virginity
>feels awesome
>wash my mouse and hands
>i go outside the bathroom first
>go back to class smiling
>feel warm and happy inside
I love sucking dick! I'm gonna be such a cumslut!
Doesn't even close
[edit | edit source]Jobber of the schlog
[edit | edit source]>I, Vivo Endive, JOBBER of the Schlog, humbly kneel to:
>Terrycrews-sama, top poster and my master
>Molly-sama, my only true love and my other master
>SmallAnus-sama, who I will never become stronger than
>Imperator-sama, who my janny warned me about
>Fortuna-sama, who easily manhandled me in his Superspeed-typing form
>Tojo-sama, whose posts anally raped me and first awakened my latent homosexuality
>Steve-sama, who beat the shit out of me so hard I started becoming as attracted to BBC as I am to BWC.
>DonaldMcDonald-sama, whose incomparibly forceful jartybombs crushed my asswomb to the point I cannot bear Terry's children anymore like I wished to.
>Goldy-sama, whose hours-long jartybombing caused me uncontrollable rage even the anal rape from Teresa can't be compared to.
>DOLL-sama, for he has my IP AS WELL AS the IP of my spamming masters.
>Joel-sama, whose powers I am scared of.
What does the burger say?
[edit | edit source]Hot dog barks, nugget bites,
Pizza slices through the night,
Taco spins, burrito twirls,
French fries dance with salty swirls.
Chick-fil-A makes a moo sound,
Coca-Cola bubbling 'round,
Doughnut spins in circles tight,
Ketchup squirts with all its might.
But there's one thing we all ask...
What does the burger say?
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nommy-nom!
Chew-chew-chew-chew-chompy-chomp!
Munch-munch-munch-munch-tasty-crunch!
What does the burger say?
Slurp-slurp-slurp-slurp-soda-sip!
Dip-dip-dip-dip-chip-to-dip!
Chomp-chomp-chomp, burrito drop!
What does the burger say?
Grease on fries, buns in stacks,
Secret sauce on Big Mac snacks,
Onion rings that start to hum,
Everyone gets indigestion!
The fast food knows it all,
But no one can recall...
What does the burger say?
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nommy-nom![2]
Can of monster
[edit | edit source]I drank a monster and now I cant stop shitting AMA
I just had a big shit from monster and now I need to shit again[3]
Jimbo x Terrycrews fanfiction
[edit | edit source]Jimbo sat on the edge of the couch, hands clasped tightly in his lap. His breath was shallow, the quiet of the room thick with the sound of the ticking clock. Terry was in the kitchen, her movements erratic, slamming cupboards shut as she muttered to himself. The smell of alcohol clung to the air, strong and bitter. "Jimbo!" Terry's voice suddenly broke through the silence, harsh and demanding. "Did you touch my stuff again?" Jimbo flinched at the outburst, but he tried to remain calm. He had learned over the years that responding with anger only made things worse. "No, Terry, I didn't touch anything. I swear." Terry stepped into the living room, her face flushed, eyes wild. "You think I'm stupid? You think I don't know what you're doing? You never respect me—never!" Jimbo stood up quickly, his heart pounding. He had seen this look in Terry’s eyes before. The rage that built up behind them always seemed to come from nowhere. “Terry, please... you're drunk. Let’s talk about this when you’re sober.” “You don’t get to tell me what to do!” Terry shouted, her fists clenched at his sides. Jimbo backed away, but his legs were already trembling. "I put up with your crap every damn day, and this is how you repay me?" Terry was too close now, and Jimbo’s instinct to protect himself kicked in. But there was no place to run. His back was against the wall. Then, as if the weight of her words had finally hit him, Terry stopped. His expression faltered, guilt flashing in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I... I don't know what's wrong with me." Jimbo’s breath hitched. His chest tightened, a mix of fear and sadness. "You need help, Terry. This isn’t you. This isn’t us. I can't keep doing this." Terry’s face contorted with frustration, her hands shaking. "I don’t want to hurt you... I don’t want this to be us, either. But... it’s like I can’t stop." For a long moment, there was only silence. The weight of their reality hung between them. “I can’t keep living like this,” Jimbo whispered, more to himself than to Terry. “I can’t keep pretending everything is fine.” Terry’s eyes welled up with tears, but Jimbo couldn’t bring himself to comfort her this time. Not when it felt like they were both standing on the edge of something far more dangerous than either of them wanted to admit. Jimbo sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers gripping the sheets. His heart still pounded in his chest, but the initial shock was starting to fade, replaced by a deep, gnawing fear. Terry was silent now, her back to Jimbo as he sat in the living room, the light dim from the setting sun. The silence between them felt suffocating. Then Terry's voice broke through, softer now—almost regretful. "Jimbo..." she started, her tone quieter, more controlled. "I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t know what came over me." <domestic abuse space Jimbo lifted his head, blinking, trying to process the sudden shift. "Terry... you said you wouldn't do this again." His voice cracked slightly. "Why does this keep happening?" Terry stood up, walking toward him with slow, measured steps. Her eyes were soft now, her face full of sorrow. "I hate myself for what I did. I never meant to hurt you. I swear, I don't want to be like this. You're all I have, Jimbo." Jimbo wanted to believe her. He wanted to reach out and accept the comfort Terry seemed to be offering now. The guilt in Terry's eyes—those rare moments where he showed remorse—felt like a lifeline, something to cling to. <domestic abuse space But Jimbo couldn't ignore the deep knot in his stomach. “You said that last time. And the time before that.” Terry dropped to her knees in front of Jimbo, grabbing his hands and squeezing them. "I know, I know... I was drunk. I don’t even remember what I said half the time, but I remember how much i hurt you. I remember seeing the pain in your eyes. It destroys me." Her voice wavered, and for a brief moment, Jimbo felt a flicker of hope that this time could be different. "I can get better, Jimbo. I promise. I’ll quit drinking. I’ll do whatever it takes. For you, for us." Jimbo felt a warm pressure on his chest—like a weight lifting, but only for a moment. “I just... I need you to be the man I married, Terry. Not this person. I need to feel safe again.” <domestic abuse space Terry’s face softened further, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. It was a smile Jimbo had seen many times before—one that hid all the things that would come later. The promise of change, the gentle touch, the words that seemed to heal the cracks in their relationship... but only temporarily. “I’ll be that woman, Jimbo. I swear to you. You mean everything to me,” Terry murmured, leaning in to kiss Jimbo’s forehead, brushing away the tear that had slipped down her cheek. <domestic abuse space For a moment, Jimbo allowed himself to believe it. The warmth of Terry’s touch, the tenderness in her voice... it felt real. Maybe things would get better. Maybe Terry could get better. But deep down, Jimbo knew the truth. He had heard these words before, and though he wanted so badly to believe them, part of him feared that the cycle would start all over again.
Schlog culture
[edit | edit source]>Make thread:
<women foids trans male SISA foid vagina pooner terrycrews Hitler BBC breast milk terrycrew’s breasts nigger what if your BBC pussy sex sex sex
>I expect 20 pages of replies by the end of the night
Nostalgia Critic Reviews Ongezellig
[edit | edit source][Intro Scene: The usual Nostalgia Critic theme music plays as the camera zooms in on the Critic sitting at his desk. He dramatically flips open a folder with the Ongezellig logo on it.]
Nostalgia Critic:
[Smiling widely] "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!"
[He raises an eyebrow as his smile fades into confusion.]
"And today… oh boy. Today, we’re diving into something that might just haunt my nightmares for years to come. You’ve been asking for it… Ongezellig. This is a web cartoon created by Studio Massa, and I gotta say, it’s not what I expected. Is it funny? Is it weird? Is it… the scariest thing to ever grace the internet? Let’s find out."
[Text on screen: "Ongezellig – 2020, Created by Studio Massa"]
Nostalgia Critic:
[Grinning] "Now, let me explain what Ongezellig is. This Dutch animated web series is like someone took all the awkwardness of social interactions, the discomfort of small talk, and the existential dread of being alive and put it into a colorful, unsettling cartoon. If that doesn’t sound like fun, well… you’re probably not alone in that thought."
[Cut to a clip from Ongezellig showing the surreal art style and weird characters. It’s awkward, off-kilter animation, with pastel colors and bizarre, round-faced characters.]
Nostalgia Critic:
[Looking at the screen, slightly bewildered] "I mean, look at this! The animation is like if Adult Swim and Peppa Pig had a terrifying love child! The art style is so... odd. Everything's soft and friendly on the surface, but then the characters are moving in a way that’s just... wrong. It's like watching a social experiment gone terribly wrong – except the experiment is 'let’s make the most uncomfortable cartoon ever.'"
[Cut to a scene from the cartoon where two characters are trying to have a conversation, but there’s an uncomfortable silence, and one of them suddenly starts sweating and looking nervous.]
Nostalgia Critic (mocking):
"Ah, yes! The classic awkward silence. I love how the entire premise of this cartoon is just about how nothing happens but everything is just wrong. You can feel the tension in every interaction. These characters are so uncomfortable with each other, you almost want to reach through the screen and say, 'Hey, buddy, it’s okay. Just say something normal!' But no, that’s not the point here."
[A clip shows another character nodding excessively, overdoing it with politeness, which just makes the interaction feel even more uncomfortable.]
Nostalgia Critic (mocking the character):
"Look at this guy! He’s nodding like he’s having some kind of stroke while pretending to be interested in the conversation! What is this? Why is everything so passive-aggressive? Who made this and decided this was what we needed to watch? 'Oh, I know, let’s make something that feels like an awkward dinner party that never ends!'"
[The Critic pauses the video, looking directly at the camera, shaking his head.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"Look, I get it. It’s called Ongezellig, which means unpleasant or uncomfortable in Dutch. So, mission accomplished. The problem is, it doesn’t feel like a fun discomfort, it just feels like being trapped in an emotional blender. The entire tone of this show makes you feel like you're the last person at a party, trying to escape but too polite to leave."
[Cut to another clip where a character says something bizarre, causing the entire scene to become more strange and surreal.]
Nostalgia Critic (nodding grimly):
"See, Ongezellig doesn’t just sit in awkward silence – no, no – it takes you deeper into the void. It makes you question the very fabric of social interaction. That’s not entertainment, that’s psychological torture with cartoons. Look at this weird, hyper-detailed scene where the character's entire existence seems to glitch out! Are they having an existential crisis? Is this a fever dream?"
[The Critic laughs nervously, rubbing his forehead.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"You ever watch something that feels like you’re slowly losing your grip on reality? Ongezellig is that. A surreal, uncomfortable nightmare where the humor is like ‘Hey, let's make the most awkward thing possible and that’s funny!’ You know, like those people who laugh awkwardly at a party because they don’t know how to talk? Imagine if that lasted for 12 minutes. That's this whole show!"
[Cut to the Critic doing his best impression of a character from the show, mimicking their awkward behavior.]
Nostalgia Critic (mimicking an awkward laugh):
"Ahahahaha... So, um, what’s going on? Are we having a good time? Ahhh... okay! Yeah, totally… um, nice weather, huh?"
[He stops the impression and turns back to the camera, looking shaken.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"Okay, okay. But I gotta give it credit where credit is due. As unsettling as it is, Ongezellig does something unique. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s like if Curb Your Enthusiasm took place in a dystopian universe where everything is broken, and instead of Larry David, you’ve got a bunch of pastel-colored characters trying desperately to make small talk."
[A clip from the show plays where a character says something almost normal, and then there’s an odd, sinister shift in the music and atmosphere.]
Nostalgia Critic (smiling grimly):
"See that? That’s what I’m talking about. Just when you think everything’s going to be okay, BOOM, the music changes, and suddenly, you’re trapped in a social nightmare! You can’t leave, you can’t escape, and all you’re doing is sitting there wondering if you’ve done something wrong… if it’s you!"
[The Critic stares into the camera, utterly exhausted.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"So yeah, if you like cartoons that make you question your social interactions, Ongezellig is for you. But if you're like me and just want something that’s fun, easy to digest, and doesn’t make you feel like you’re losing your mind, maybe just stick to watching SpongeBob or something. This thing is like eating a whole meal made out of social anxiety and awkwardness, and it really leaves a bad taste in your mouth."
[He sighs deeply and takes a long drink from a coffee mug.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"Is it bad? No. It’s just… really uncomfortable. There’s something to be said for that, but it’s not what I’m looking for when I sit down to watch a cartoon. If you want a movie or show that’ll make you laugh and feel good, Ongezellig is the opposite of that. But if you want a strange, off-putting experience that makes you feel something… well, here you go."
[The Critic turns to the camera, deadpan.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"In conclusion, Ongezellig is… well, it’s a trip. A really awkward, uncomfortable trip. If you're into that kind of thing, check it out. If not, please… just stick to something that won’t make you feel like you're trapped in social hell. Thank you, Studio Massa. I’m… not sure whether to thank you or run away screaming, but I guess that’s a success?"
[The camera zooms out as the Critic slouches back in his chair, looking tired.]
Nostalgia Critic:
"Well, at least it's not another edgy 90s cartoon. Next time, something that doesn't make me question my entire existence. Please."
[Cut to the end credits, with an image of the Critic sitting in a chair, looking confused and drained, as the usual theme music plays.]
Nostalgia Critic (voiceover):
"Thanks for watching, and remember, if it's weird, awkward, or downright uncomfortable... I’ll probably review it."
[End.][4]
AVGN plays Oneshot
[edit | edit source]Angry Video Game Nerd Plays OneShot: A Heart-Wrenching Disaster!
[Intro Scene: The familiar AVGN theme music plays with fast-paced, chaotic clips of the Nerd yelling at terrible games, throwing controllers, and generally having a meltdown. The intro ends with the Nerd sitting in his chair, cracking his knuckles.]
Nerd:
[Angrily] "Oh great! Another indie game! 'OneShot,' huh? I know what you're thinking... 'Nerd, it's a great game! It's different, it's heartwarming, it breaks the fourth wall!' Yeah, yeah, enough with the praise! Let me see if I can survive this emotional wreckage that you all call a 'game.'"
[He puts on his headphones, opens the game on his computer, and starts playing. The game’s calming music plays.]
Nerd (gritting his teeth):
"Alright, let's see what we got here. A cute little pixelated world. This isn't so bad... Wait a minute, why is the main character a kid with huge eyes?! This looks like something you'd show to a five-year-old to make them cry! What's with all the 'cute' animals and talking inanimate objects?! It's like a sickeningly sweet nightmare."
[The game opens with the protagonist, Niko, waking up in a dark room with a mysterious light. The Nerd looks at the screen, squinting.]
Nerd:
"Alright, so we’re a little child who wakes up in some strange world. Sounds like every bad 'coming-of-age' story on the planet. What's next, do I have to solve puzzles using my ‘big brain’ just to understand why I'm here?"
[He navigates Niko through a series of puzzles, but grows visibly annoyed as he encounters obstacles.]
Nerd (frustrated):
"WHAT THE HELL? I can't even figure out this goddamn puzzle! What is this?! I have to move this box like it’s some kind of ancient artifact?! Why can’t I just smash everything with a hammer?!"
[The Nerd throws the game controller down in anger. He picks it back up and continues playing.]
Nerd:
"Okay, okay. It’s not that bad. I'm just… goddamn mad. Let's continue. What’s this? Oh, you mean the game is talking directly to ME now? You know what? Screw it. I'm talking to this kid. This is MY world now!"
[The game’s text box appears, and Niko says something like, "Do you know what to do next?" The Nerd scoffs.]
Nerd (mocking):
"Oh yeah, great, now I’ve got this little pixelated psycho talking to ME! 'Do you know what to do next?' Oh, I dunno, maybe not get stuck in a room full of puzzles and existential dread? Maybe not stare at this face and question my very existence?!"
[The game takes an emotional turn as Niko realizes the fate of the world is tied to the player's actions. The Nerd glares at the screen.]
Nerd (dramatic):
"WHAT IS THIS?! THE WORLD’S GONNA END IF I MESS UP? I thought this was just some kid’s platformer, but now I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders?! I didn’t sign up for this! This isn’t some stupid fantasy world where I can kill goblins. THIS IS A DAMN PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA!!"
[The screen starts glitching as the game’s fourth wall breaks. Niko looks directly at the player.]
Nerd (eyes widening):
"What the hell?! No! NO! The game is LOOKING AT ME! WHAT IS THIS?! This is like if The Matrix and The Truman Show had a baby, and it decided to torture me with emotions! What is this – I’m not prepared for a tear-jerking lesson about life!"
[The game gives Niko the power to control the game’s world, like adjusting the brightness. The Nerd is at his limit.]
Nerd (yelling):
"STOP! I DON’T WANNA FIX THE LIGHTING! I just wanna KILL THINGS! Give me a goddamn sword and let me hack up monsters, not talk about ‘feeling’ the light! What the hell is this?!"
[The game makes Niko say goodbye to the player, hinting at the game’s sad conclusion. The Nerd’s frustration builds as Niko’s fate becomes clear.]
Nerd (squinting at the screen, voice breaking):
"WAIT… WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOODBYE? NO! I don’t want to say goodbye to some stupid pixelated kid! This is the worst heartbreak I've ever had in a damn video game. WHO DOES THIS?! This is emotional manipulation at its finest!"
[He starts fidgeting with his controller nervously, clearly disturbed.]
Nerd:
"You know, I’m not a fan of being emotionally blackmailed by a game. But here I am, thinking about my own mortality, feeling guilty for 'Niko.' And for what? To learn life lessons from a 2D character? This is insane."
[The game ends with the dramatic conclusion and the screen fades out to black. The Nerd sighs loudly.]
Nerd (exhausted):
"Well, that’s it. I’m done. You know what? I’ve been through a lot of shitty games in my time, but this? This is a whole new level of mind games. It’s like a twisted therapy session! I feel like I’ve been through a personal hell and somehow I can’t get over it. You ruined me, OneShot. YOU RUINED ME!"
[The Nerd slams the controller on the desk, then looks into the camera with a deadpan expression.]
Nerd:
"Well, at least the graphics were nice. Too bad it felt like being punched in the heart with a broken joystick."
[Cut to credits with some of the Nerd’s trademark jokes, fast cuts of him yelling at the screen, throwing objects, and muttering to himself about the emotional damage.]
Nerd (voiceover):
"OneShot. More like 'One-Heartbreak.' I don't care if it's 'innovative,' 'meaningful,' or 'art.' If I wanted to cry, I’d watch a sappy rom-com, not play a game. I’m outta here. NEXT!"
[The final shot shows the Nerd staring into space with an exhausted look, as the video cuts to black.][5]
FNF will save Ongezellig
[edit | edit source]>Ongezellig. Dead. Massa found no one to buy the series to continue. But there is a solution. FNF. Phantom Arcayde draw maya once on stream, we just need to keep psyopping him until he adds the ongezellig to fnf. Imagine that, it will instantly become popular af with zoomers, Zellig will be revived and studios is gonna beg Massa to host the full series. Inb4 >DNB Fnf is only dnb now cus no release. When the full game launches its gonna become the most popular again and we have the chance to bring zellig up the heights with it
FNFpedo.png[6]
Quotes
[edit | edit source]Plapping
[edit | edit source]| > | no i'm too busy plapping Teresa | < |
| -Jimbo | ||
I cried
[edit | edit source]| > | I cried when they shut down aguguland. | < |
| -Steve | ||
Age of mind
[edit | edit source]| > | yah, but it's also about age of mind | < |
| -Princessparkles | ||
Finger
[edit | edit source]| > | I stuck a finger up my anus, AMA I didn't feel any pleasure. How tf do faggots even like this? |
< |
| -encrusting_acro[7] | ||
